Whatever you say,

does it really matter?

All I really want for Christmas

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What I want for Christmas, you can’t buy in a store.  Don’t get me wrong.  There are things I want to buy.  Like a computer, a flat screen TV, a bra that fits, panties, pjs, zip up hoodies, my perfume, shoes, scrubs, slippers, an ipod docking station, Giada’s new cookbook.  But these are all things I can buy myself.  But all I really want for Christmas is for my feelings to change.  I want to change the way I feel about certain people, one person in particular.  About certain circumstances and situations.  I don’t want to love or care anymore about you or anyone.

It’s weird.  I spent so much time living in the past.  Then I was all about the future.  What I wanted. What I didn’t want.  But now I know.  I want the present and to live in it!  I want a fresh start.  I want a change. I want amnesia.  I want to move forward with my love life.  I have wasted so much time hoping, dreaming, wishing.  I want this switch to go off in my head that will quiet my thoughts and feelings.  Make them go away.  In due time they will.  I just wish I was already at that point.  I am tired of hurting.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired of wondering.  

Have you ever just wanted to pack up and go somewhere where no one knows you?  It’s been on my mind lately.  To pick a state I would love to visit, be a travel nurse and just leave everyone behind.  It’s not running away from my problems.  It’s not forgetting my problems or certain people.  It’s just I what I think I need to do to heal.  To make that step towards my future.  I feel like I am stuck in time here in San Francisco.  I feel like I take a few steps forward, then I see you and take several steps back.  Every time I look into your eyes, I fall in love with you.  I can’t keep doing that to myself especially since you can’t reciprocate the same feelings.  If you gave me just a little.  Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like this.  But there is nothing, zilch, nada as of lately.  A month and a half ago was something but I can’t keep hanging onto that moment.  I need something more.  What exactly?  I don’t know.  A phone call would be a good start.

What I really want for Christmas is you.  But in reality, I am starting to believe it will never happen.  Instead, I will ask for the strength to put my past and you behind.     


Author: Michelle

Just a woman finally finding herself!

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