What I want for Christmas, you can’t buy in a store. Don’t get me wrong. There are things I want to buy. Like a computer, a flat screen TV, a bra that fits, panties, pjs, zip up hoodies, my perfume, shoes, scrubs, slippers, an ipod docking station, Giada’s new cookbook. But these are all things I can buy myself. But all I really want for Christmas is for my feelings to change. I want to change the way I feel about certain people, one person in particular. About certain circumstances and situations. I don’t want to love or care anymore about you or anyone.
It’s weird. I spent so much time living in the past. Then I was all about the future. What I wanted. What I didn’t want. But now I know. I want the present and to live in it! I want a fresh start. I want a change. I want amnesia. I want to move forward with my love life. I have wasted so much time hoping, dreaming, wishing. I want this switch to go off in my head that will quiet my thoughts and feelings. Make them go away. In due time they will. I just wish I was already at that point. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of crying. I am tired of wondering.
Have you ever just wanted to pack up and go somewhere where no one knows you? It’s been on my mind lately. To pick a state I would love to visit, be a travel nurse and just leave everyone behind. It’s not running away from my problems. It’s not forgetting my problems or certain people. It’s just I what I think I need to do to heal. To make that step towards my future. I feel like I am stuck in time here in San Francisco. I feel like I take a few steps forward, then I see you and take several steps back. Every time I look into your eyes, I fall in love with you. I can’t keep doing that to myself especially since you can’t reciprocate the same feelings. If you gave me just a little. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. But there is nothing, zilch, nada as of lately. A month and a half ago was something but I can’t keep hanging onto that moment. I need something more. What exactly? I don’t know. A phone call would be a good start.
What I really want for Christmas is you. But in reality, I am starting to believe it will never happen. Instead, I will ask for the strength to put my past and you behind.