Whatever you say,

does it really matter?

Matthew said what?


He said: "You were so caring, so loving, and amazingly beautiful.  I couldn’t find any flaws in you and that scared me."

He said: "I saw flaws, but none that I didn’t want to live with.

He said: "You were bitter way too much, you had too many friends that you spent too much time caring about how they felt, you were always dealing with too much family drama."

He said: "But those few moments it was just me and you it was great."

He said: "You were always a good friend to me no matter how big of an ass I could be."

He said: "Honestly I don’t care, I really screwed this one up, because I have never stopped missing you."

He said:  "Some times we say what we really needed to say entirely too late."

He said: "I know I am years too late, good night."

This is taken from a conversation I had today with my ex-boyfriend from several years past.  I really am speechless to his words and feelings.  It breaks my heart to look back on that relationship and know it could have been different. But he was so lost back then.  I know I have patience and put 110% in every relationship.  But there came a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Not because I stopped loving him but because he stopped loving me.  I gave us a chance.  He didn’t.  I fought this battle all on my own.  It was so easy for him to pack up and walk away from me.  From our life.  So I just assumed, I didn’t really matter much to him.  I loved our home, our life that we had built.  I loved him. But how could I love someone who was so lost inside his head?  How could he love someone?  It all fizzled away from things that were beyond my control.  The light just burned out. 

It saddens me to even type this because I remember standing in our apartment which was almost empty, boxes scattered everywhere and his mother in the kitchen packing boxes full of dishes.  I walked over to the bedroom, stood in the doorway and cried.  God, did it hurt.  I felt like I left there with my heart still in the bedroom.  I wiped my tears, didn’t say a word to his mother and I walked out the door and never looked back.  I was tired of being tired.

Years later, we are friends.  I don’t think he is lost anymore.  I think he has faced his demons or at least continues to do so.  But there is no going back.  It could have been so beautiful.  Could have been so right.  But everything seemed to fade.  You realized too little too late.  Like you said Matthew, if only you had said all this so many years ago, things might have been different for us and our future together as a couple.  But I am grateful for our friendship.  That is all I have to give right now.  I just hope that is enough to make you happy.


Author: Michelle

Just a woman finally finding herself!

6 thoughts on “Matthew said what?

  1. Stop going after married men and stop fucking married men and maybe then you will not be so depressed and have more loyal people in your life.

  2. Aww look Michelle, a fan of your life! Or a stalker. Pathetic either way. Until I see the name to match the comment, I’m going to infer that you’re a low life who has obviously smoked themselves retarded.
    Don’t be afraid. Come out and play!!! Or do I *sniff sniff*…smell a chicken?

  3. You write so beautifully, I might cry! D:
    I hate these kinds of moments, yet I love them because you often get to see how beautiful people can be, and how they can change us.

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