Whatever you say,

does it really matter?

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Reverb11 Day 7: Forgiveness is Hard

“Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself that acknowledges you’re human. You can’t always prevent failure, but you can always forgive yourself for failing.” -Erin Pavlina

Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

The power for me to forgive someone is easy. It comes naturally. It takes courage and strength but it can be done. However, I struggled with the guilt, blame and inability to forgive myself and the inability of him not forgiving me.  It bothered me to my core.  It didn’t matter how many apologies or how I was remorseful. Nothing worked. I was exhausted. Drained. Scared. Confused. Sad.

This was a hard place for me.  I couldn’t forgive myself and he couldn’t forgive me. I didn’t like myself. I was walking around in a haze.  Thick fog consumed me and I could barely see two feet in front me.  I didn’t know what to do besides make people try to walk with me in the fog.  I wanted this fog to lift.  I wanted to walk through it.  Beyond it. I wanted to leave it all behind.  The only way for it to be gone…was to make the decision to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself and let the healing begin.

I stopped taking the blame.  I surrendered to my feelings. I took responsibility for my actions. I found a different place to invest my time and compassion. I released the past and embraced forgiveness. I overcame.

Unfortunately, I cannot cast a magic spell on someone who struggles to  forgive me.  I’ve forgiven myself for those actions and that is what is more important.  I am worthy of forgiveness.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese

Today’s prompt from Geekinhard.


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Reverb11 Day 6: ROTFLMFAO

What made you laugh this year?

This is a hard one for me. Truly. Is it hard because I hardly laughed this year? It is hard because I didn’t find anything to laugh about? It actually makes me sad to think I didn’t laugh this year.  Maybe nothing resonates with me at this very moment.

…(Ten minutes later)

This should not be something that made me laugh and I am a horrible person for laughing at this but it was…funny.

My best friend Vicky’s mother fell and broker her hip (not funny).  She has been in the hospital for weeks now for rehabilitation after surgery.  I went to the hospital to pick up Vicky’s father.  We were off to have dinner with Vicky.  Once we got to the car, I asked him if he had enough room to get in on the passenger side since I was parked up against a curb with bushes.  He said he did.  However, as I was getting into my car, I looked over and he was toppling over into the bushes (still not funny)!  I quickly got out and ran over to him.  PLEASE! I HOPE HE DIDN’T BREAK HIS HIP! PLEASE NO!! ! It would be all my fault.  How will Vicky handle BOTH parents with broken hips.  All I have to say is thank goodness for bushes because it broke his fall and he was a-ok!

First thing he said to me once he was settled into the passenger seat, “Don’t tell Victoria.  She has enough going on right now with her mother.”  Well of course I had to tell her but we were going to dinner WITH her father and I wouldn’t dare say anything in front of him.  This is where I began texting Vicky (with her dad sitting in the middle of us) while waiting to be seated for dinner.

Me: Your dad fell getting into my car. Landed in the bushes. He told me not tell you. He tripped on the curb.
Vicky: What kind of nurse are you?
Me: I helped him up.
Vicky: Oh geez. Thanks!
Me: Any time. At least he landed in the bushes. It was kinda funny.
Vicky: Well good thing I don’t need to get an adjoining room.

This my friend is the conversation that made me laugh to tears and as I wrote this blog, I couldn’t stop laughing which lead me to tears again!  What are best friends for!


Reverb11 Day 5: Brought to you by the Number 5

We all have them. Some have one. Some have more. I have many. They are called guilty pleasures. What exactly is a guilty pleasure? Yes, it’s an oxymoron. How can something that gives you such pleasure cause you to feel so guilty? Is it because it feels good at the time? Hence, causing pleasure. But you know it’s wrong? Hence, the feeling of guilt. It is something you enjoy but you know it’s not good for you.

So why do it? Because of the immense joy you feel while doing it. For example, instead of eating a small bowl of ice cream, you sit in front of the television and eat the entire pint. You have these amusements, or what I like to call diversions, for the immediate sheer gratification it creates. Because they are easy, enjoyable and attainable. But it’s pleasurable effects are short-lived, brief moments of time that vanish. And then after the satisfaction has dissipated, what do you have left? The feeling of guilt, which may or may not last a lifetime. I guess it all depends on what your guilty pleasures are.

Here is a list of my guilty pleasures in no particular order.

1. Vodka
2. Cheesecake
3. Cheese
4. Chocolate
5. Coffee ice cream

I say, if these cause me pleasure, to hell with the after shocks!

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Reverb11 Day1-4: Word, Meet, Moment and Math

I found out about #Reverb11 through Kaileen‘s blog. I then found Geekin Hard. I can’t decide whose to choose.  Some prompts I have experienced and others I haven’t.  So I am using a combo of both to get my through my first reverb. I hope I don’t fail. I think it is a great time to reflect on the past year. As I was reading the prompts, my mind went blank. Is this a challenge I can take on and truly dive into and embrace? It’s kind of nerve wrecking to think about the past year. So here it goes:

Prompt 1: One Word – Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

Challenging: 2011 has been quite a challenge for me all around.  Every aspect of my life has been challenging: work, family, friends, relationships, home, health, happiness.  It seems like everything has taken a hit one way or another.  My work environment has been toxic for some time now by no faults of my own but by colleagues and changes.  My relationship with my sister has been wounded for reasons I don’t understand. My family has faced monetary and health challenges. My home doesn’t feel like a home to me.  It feels empty and cold.  My health and those close to me have not been up to par.  And frankly, I am just not happy these last few months…with anything.  I am definitely ready for a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start.

I want many words for 2012 and I don’t want to decide on just one. So for 2012, I want my word to be eventful, peaceful, adventurous.

Prompt 2: Who did you meet?

I am not young.  I am in my mid thirties and find making friends when you are older is challenging (Gee..there goes my word to describe 2011).  As an adult, it seems like your circle of friends is set.  I have five girlfriends, all whom are very different, all whom I confide in and all whom I love dearly.  Unfortunately, for all of us to be together in one room having a girls night is impossible.  Their different personalities will clash.  Some don’t like the others and it’s something I am not going to push on them.  I try to spend my individual time with each of them, which has been challenging too!

I have realized you are never too old to find new friends. Although we haven’t met, I found a friend in Taylor and cannot wait to meet her in person. It’s not until recently, I have met people I feel can become good friends, like the tenant in my in law apartment and a spunky girl named Jen, who my heart goes out to.  Meeting new people the past couple of months has been rewarding and exciting!  I think I will put myself in more situations where I can meet new people.  I need to do something different!

Prompt 3: A Moment in Time – Tell us about one moment that you lived in 2011 that you will never forget.

Disneyland!  Weekend getaways with friends and my boyfriend were the moments I will always remember.  Disneyland was by far the best time I have had in a long time.  I went twice this year.  It brings the best out of everyone!  It brings love in the air.  It brings the kid out of you.  It’s magical. It truly is the happiest place on earth!

Prompt 4: Addition through subtraction – What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

This one has been difficult.  I haven’t blogged about this and don’t know if I feel like blogging about it or if I am even ready to.  It still hurts.  It still makes me cry.  It still makes me angry.  It has devastated me and has broken me down completely.  And building myself up and gluing back the pieces has been challenging (there’s that word again).  This year, I let go of the man I wanted to marry.